Feeling demoralised over the weekend

Felin had her first breather on Sunday. Its her 28th days after her delivery and considered a full month. We went to Suntec City to shop for Babies clothings for their coming babies full month shower. We managed to get some beautiful clothes from H&M and they cost $29.90 but the unfortunate thing will be that these clothes can only be worn for only 1 or 2 times because they will grow so fast that they certainly can't fit after 2 months. Anyway, we like them and bought it. Mummy and Daddy also managed to get some clothes for Chinese New Year too. Its such a nice feeling having the time to go out with Felin again.

During the weekend, I stayed home to help with family chores, I somehow felt lousy on my job and I can't stop the feeling that I'm the most useless and lazy person at home. I try to think what need and ought to do and sometimes take instruction from MIL. When I try to do what I thought is okay and being questioned, I'll be seen as if I never use my brain to think before I do it. When I take instruction to do things and I didn't ask for the reason and just do it, I may missed doing something related to that task and when I did not do it and pressed for a reason again, I looks very stupid. Whenever I'm do something, I seems not able to do it well. When I carry the babies, I also don't know why they will cry whenever I carry them and when someone else do, they will stop the crying. Makes me feel that the babies just don't like me. Simply felt very demoralised like I can't even do simple things and I have no common sense.

On Sunday, MIL told me that help will be gone soon and I need to work harder to learn the ropes. That evening, I was eating a bit slower and after meal and she told me that I will not have the current luxury of eating slow in future. Could be well meaning advices but I start to stress myself that I shouldn't be enjoying my 6 hours sleep daily when the rest are just sleeping like max 4 hours stretch.

On Sunday night when I was changing diaper for Josiah at the bay window and stood up after changing. MIL thought I'm leaving the baby alone and shouted at me:"Don't joke with this type of thing! What if the baby fall!..." I wasn't leaving the baby alone! I was standing up to see if the cot is ready to place the baby back. I talked back, "I'm not joking. I'm serious with what I'm doing. I'm seriously wanting to learn but I'm just stupid and slow" I walked out the room after putting the baby back to the cot.

I admit that I'm not a detailed and hands-on person. I'm not a fast learner and yet not as hardworking as I should be. I blamed myself for not able to wake up at 3am or 5am to feed the babies and I have the luxury to sleep more than 6 hours per day. I'm simply not doing enough and its right that she gives me all the "Warnings" ahead.

Now I understanding better why some mothers get depression and why some fathers are not so keen to help at home. When everyone is tired, we can get more sensitive on certain issues. However, ultimately, if I don't do my job as a Father, I can't leave Felin alone to face it.