Seven months had passed just like this in a flash since my last update. The boys are entering their fourth school term and taking their first year-end examination. I honestly am not expecting much from them and have learnt not to expect anything from them anymore. I know that the more I expect something from them, like hoping for them to be more well-behaved, hardworking, disciplined, gritty, filial, empathetic, etc., the more disappointed I will become.
I need to be patient and wait for them to grow up, and hopefully, they will have that light bulb moment to realise that life is not just play and that everything is being provided for. They can stop complaining when a small task is given and stop the daily bickering over the silliest issues. (Okay Okay! I should not expect anything!!! I had forgotten!)
Felin is better than me in these aspects of encouraging them when I was many times so tempted to just take a cane and whack them. Luckily, we never have a cane at home for me to fulfil this temptation.
Whenever I see the boys, I also see some reflection in myself. When they are not willing to do their homework and just hope to play their games or watch anime, wasn't I the same? I am slow in doing my work and am distracted by playing my Shopee game and visiting social media sites every now and then. Wasn't I the same when they were not determined to learn a skill and gave up halfway? I told myself to learn presentation skills, to read up thoroughly on CPF, to polish my investment soft skills, etc... I had not done anything to improve myself either. I suspect the anger came from within me because whenever I saw them with certain behaviours, I saw the things that I wasn't happy with myself at the same time. I realised that I must first love myself and expect less from myself before being able to fully love my children.
I am in a period of deciding to change my work environment, and it has been bothering me for a few months. I was worried that a change in work environment would affect the amount of quality time I could have with my family in the near future. I am afraid of what if I fail, what if my health turns sour, what if I am not intelligent in the first place, etc... (All the imposter syndrome issues or low self-esteem issues that were deeply entrenched in my veins all these years!)
Then I told myself that I wanted to let my kids know that Daddy had once taken a risk to move to something he wanted to do. Daddy is a risk taker, not someone who fears and hides behind a comfort zone. I want them to be daring and learn to "Make a decision right" and not just about "Making the right decision". There is a difference! Even if I'd made an incorrect move, I would take it that God wants me to do something out of it and make the best of a possible failure to continue to let God Shine. I want to be a Daddy that my boys will be proud of when I am weak and frail. I want to tell them I persevere despite my age and being "Not so intelligent". I will do my best and be a better version of myself daily.
To end today's post, I just like to share my genuine thoughts... One thing that can teared me is seeing my boys being serious about learning something. Their attitude is not "Do everything because Daddy or Mummy told them so". It should be because they want to improve and show grit and determination. I don't know when I will shed such tears of joy, but I suspect that I will cry and not just drop some tears when that day really comes. I can only pray...
I am reminded that they are blessings from God and that I should love them unconditionally...
(To emphasize... They are actually sweet boys (on good days). I just need to expect less and learn to love myself first.) Okay... Thoughts for the day. 😊
