Loving self is crucial while loving the boys

Just a quick update today about my own feelings lately. Just feel like whining a bit as I found myself losing patience with the boys again and again. The way they fought with each other, the way they ate and were picky about the food, the way they behaved outside, the way they refused to do their homework, etc.... All the small things, when added up are making me frustrated. 

I am also very frustrated with myself as I knew I wasn't spending enough time teaching in their learning journey. I knew they were just normal and not excel because I was not putting enough effort into them. Sometimes, I haven't felt they had accomplished anything that I'll be surprised with. But to be fair, I really am not putting in the right effort for them too. Honestly, I'm feeling guilty that I could not balance my work with my family that well. Whenever my sales are down, I tend to want to spend more time at work, but during working hours, I may easily shift my attention to my phone and waste my time away. I am fully aware that I'm not productive at work.

Just felt that I'm not balancing my work well and back at home as a father and a husband. Sometimes, when I see how the boys struggle with their work, I blame myself that I'm not that smart either, and perhaps their DNA is just like mine. When they do things that I normally will not do, like how they fight and do silly things, it makes me angry as well because I don't think I'll do all these silly things at their age. Sometimes, I really feel like caning them in order to convey some messages to them.

Felin has been wanting to pull them out from Student Care from next month onwards, and this is making me nervous. I really do not know how my life will be affected. I find myself unable to work well when they are at home, and I find them to be highly distracting. Felin told me to work from my bedroom and don't bother about them, but I don't like to work in my bedroom. I was angry that I couldn't adapt to working with them around. I also don't wish to sacrifice my work, but I know they need to be out of Student Care in order to learn more things and spend time more productively. I always hope they spend some time learning music and art. It's all a dilemma in my head.

Anyway, I'm reminded from within my heart that I first need to Love myself first before loving the kids. I cannot always think that they are not able to achieve anything just because I felt I never accomplished anything meaningful in life myself. I cannot blame my DNA or genes when they have challenges like being unable to master Chinese, poor presentation skills or sports like they can't play badminton well no matter how much training I sent them to because I think I'm a poor learner too. (Though the irritated part is how they never seem to put in the effort to learn). I myself need to pull myself out of the low-esteem self before I can pull them out of their lack of confidence.

Energy was a bit down lately despite just celebrating my birthday 2 days ago. Just don't feel that I'm doing well in many aspects and need to buck up. Daddy is surely not giving up. I will set a good example for you guys to know about perseverance and hard work. Primary 3 coming up, and new challenges, while Daddy is also trying to juggle his own career.

Okay, till here and I'll be going to Athens in a few days' time... I hope the next 1 week brings more clarity to my career.